How to Use 2020 to Teach Your Children to Be More Resilient, According to Psychology

We all know firsthand how mentally difficult 2020 has been for us adults. Data is starting to trickle in showing just how hard it has been on our kids. 

One recent survey showed 14 percent of American children are showing worsening mental health because of the pandemic. Studies out of China, Australia, and other countries confirm how brutal the isolation and uncertainty of lockdowns can be for young people. 

“Parents are reporting an increase in anxiety levels for children who were already kind of anxious in their temperament, and kids who previously had not had anxiety have developed anxious behaviors,” Adiaha Spinks-Franklin, a pediatrician at Texas Children’s Hospital, told the New York Times. Which probably just confirms what you’re seeing with your own eyes. 

This is clearly bad news, but experts do offer some comfort for worried parents. With the right support, going through a serious challenge like a pandemic can help your child develop resilience that will benefit them throughout their lives. 

This is not to say anyone would wish stress and unhappiness on kids. Of course they wouldn’t. But given that we’re stuck with a rampaging virus, Rutgers University psychologist Vanessa LoBue reminded parents in the Conversation recently that at least  this crazy year may help your kids develop the grit to get through whatever life will throw at them later. 

“Resilient kids don’t have some kind of superpower that helps them persevere while others flounder. It isn’t a trait we’re born with; it’s something that can be fostered,” she insists. How do you support your kis’ so that this important skill can grow and develop?

• Really listen. We all need to talk through our feelings sometimes, but listening offers kids more than an opportunity to vent. “Allowing children to talk – and really listening – shows caring and acceptance, validates their feelings and helps them contextualize issues,” claims LoBue. So make a point of putting down your screens and giving your kids your full attention periodically. 

• Give them as much autonomy as possible. All of our choices are constrained by the virus. Kids feel helpless just like adults. Counterbalance these feelings by offering your children as much self-determination as the situation allows. “Trusting them to try things on their own – and even fail – can help them learn to solve problems or deal with anger, disappointment or other uncomfortable emotions,” LoBue says. 

• Teach them “calm breathing.” LoRue links to a resource explaining how to teach your family (and maybe yourself) this useful skill for emotional regulation. 

• Support your community. As tthey say, it takes a village, so don’t just ask yourself how you can support your own kids’ resilience, but how you can support others during this time too. Initiatives like donating to a food bank, helping out a neighbor, or voting for candidates who will support struggling families are important too. 

Helping your kids navigate the current crisis is important for your family’s sanity now, but weathering trauma when you’re young can pay dividends for years to come. Research shows that an incredible 75 percent of high achievers went through serious trauma when they were children. You wouldn’t wish trauma on any child, but it can build the resilience necessary to persevere and succeed later in life.